The Development of INTJ Children
Nurture by Nature: Understand Your Child's Personality Type – And Become a Better Parent by Barbara-Barron Tieger and Paul D. Tieger
INTJ: Creating Perfection
'This child was ready for high school in kindergarten.'
Understanding the real essence of INTJ children is a difficult task
because they are not always easy to figure out and are almost impossible to
control. All INTJs prize themselves on their individuality and on the
uniqueness of their ideas and their thinking. Their most striking and highly
developed characteristic is their inner vision and the internal connections
they make. Intensely private, they do not like to be figured out, yet while
they make not act like it, they do want their parents to understand them. But
parenting, understanding, and accepting INTJs can be as rewarding as it is
challenging.
The examples that follow are drawn from stories of real children. But
since all people are unique, your INTJ may not demonstrate all of the
characteristics described or may not demonstrate them with the same degree of
intensity. But if your children really is an INTJ, most of what you read should
sound strikingly familiar.
Preschool INTJs
Birth to Age 4
Intellectual and intense are perhaps the two most common attributes of
young INTJs. Many parents remark that their INTJ babies seem wise – or older
than their years. Watchful and observant, most INTJ babies are the detached
observers they remain their whole lives. They are usually self-contained and
calm, and cautious and slow warming up to strangers. They don't tend to be
especially smiley babies and can seem a bit too detached for their parents'
tastes, especially Feeling parents or first-time parents with expectations that
theirs will be the giggly, cuddly, TV, Gerber baby.
INTJs are usually happy to play alone for extended periods of time and
are hesitant to get involved in the play of other children. Typically, they
prefer to sit on the sidelines watching until they have gathered sufficient
information to fully understand the game or the dynamics of the group.
Nicole's mother remarked that it was as if Nicole never really was a
baby. She seemed to be born an adult in a small body. She was rather awkward
around children her own age and seemed to struggle with making friends. When
they would go to parties while Nicole was a toddler, she would stand beside her
mother (but never sit on her lap) and watch the other children. Even when they
invited her to join in, she would refuse until she felt ready. Usually she did
choose to play, but rarely with the freedom and sense of abandon that other
kids had.
Early and very sophisticated language is another common trait of most
young INTJs. Sometimes called intellectually precocious, INTJs frequently
surprise and amuse their parents and other adults with their advanced
vocabularies and complex sentence structures. At less than two years of age,
it's not unusual for an INTJ to describe buttons on a sweater as 'difficult' or
a hard puzzle as 'exasperating'. They seem to skip the baby-talk stage and move
right into having intelligent conversations.
Most INTJs are much more fascinated with new experiences than with new
people. From very early on, they like to play with toys that surprise them,
like to create structures, and enjoy making art. Their highly develop
imaginations give them a unique perspective on the world, and they enjoy
testing their environment to more fully understand what makes it work. INTJs
usually have rich inner lives and adore fantasy and myth.
One of Chris's favorite activities when he was four or five was to
place his full-length mirror on the floor and look at the world upside down. He
could spend hours looking around and imagining living life on the ceiling.
INTJs usually love books. They love to be read to and are often early
readers themselves. Many seem to learn to read spontaneously, and they tend to
exhaust the resources of their environment at an enormous pace. Their curiosity
about the natural world drives them to ask a lot of questions about why things
are as they are. They are never satisfied with a superficial or vague answer
and may persist in their questioning until they gain the full sense of the
topic. Many INTJs love visiting museums – especially science museums – where
they can discover the reasons and principles behind everyday occurrences, the
things everyone else takes for granted. Most INTJs are happiest when they are
given plenty of room and time to explore what interests them.
Another way that INTJ children can seem more like adults than kids is
in their logical thinking and decision-making style. Many INTJs are described
as fearless, and it does seem that little upsets or intimidates them. They
appear detached and unaffected by the emotions or reactions of the people
around them. They may be curious about why another child is crying but are
usually more interested in receiving a clear and logical reasons for the
person's emotions than in trying to put themselves in the sobbing child's
place. Their emotional life is private even from their early years, and they
don't cry as easily or as often as other children and often prefer to privately
comfort themselves.
Even from their preschool years, INTJs are competitive with themselves.
They have a clear vision of what they want to accomplish and are thoroughly
dissatisfied, and even disgusted, with anything less. They will refuse help or
input on projects they are working on and may abandon them if others offer too
much advice or make too many comments.
Daphne's mom learned the hard way that while Daphne was working on a
drawing, she needed to steer clear of her work space. If she made a
complimentary comment while Daphne was still working, Daphne would frown and
cover the paper with her hand. But offering a suggestion was really the kiss of
death – Daphne would crumple up the paper, throw it away, and leave the room.
INTJs are usually comforted and comfortable with routines and structure
around them. They like to know what's going to happen in advance and need
plenty of preparation time to adjust to changes in plans. Some INTJs seem to
have a passionate sense of order and may play at lining their toys or even
organizing their socks. Others may want to be told which clothes match so they
can pull together coordinated outfits but are content to live in a messy room.
But INTJs do tend to take longer than one might expect to make a decision,
needing time to gather the information necessary to be sure they are confident
of their actions. They can be slow to engage or make transitions, but once they've
made up their minds, they can be very clear about their positions and unwilling
to compromise.
The Joys and Challenges of Parenting Preschool INTJs
The fact that INTJs are a fairly uncommon type in the American culture
makes it both difficult and fascinating to parent them. As young children, they
lack the social experience to gracefully navigate through the complicated and
contradictory waters of human interaction and relations. They can seem awkward
or rude because they simply will not engage in conversation with others unless
they feel comfortable or recognize a clear and compelling need to. No amount of
pressure or encouragement is going to make them. In fact, they can be downright
stubborn, and few can adequately match their strength of will. Once they take a
position, it would be easier to hold back the tide than to change their minds.
Because Jillian had lived in the desert Southwest for the first three
and one half years of her life, she'd never experienced snow. She'd seen
pictures and videos about snow and was both curious and excited about it. But
when her family moved to the North and she experienced her first snowfall at
age four, she hated it. The reality of the cold, wet stuff in no way matched
her idealized fantasy of it. So, for that entire winter season, she refused to
let her feet touch the ground. She insisted that she either be carried outside
or permitted to stay home. She became literally and figuratively an immovable
object.
Learning to accept the intractable positions of INTJs can be difficult,
especially for parents who themselves were raised to comply without question.
Unlike children of other types, they are usually unaffected by attempts to
cajole or the use of guilt to get them to do what you want. Forcing an INTJ to
obey almost never works. When told not to leave the table until they have eaten
a food they dislike, INTJs are likely to still be there at midnight. It's both
pointless and destructive to try to force this child into becoming more
easygoing or less demanding. Acceptance is the first important step to better
understanding and encouraging the development of their self-esteem.
Mark's parents found that if they involved Mark in making decisions and
asked his input on making rules, he was much more likely to follow them. They
told him, in advance, of their plan to make changes. And they learned to
patiently explain the logical reason for the change and let him live with the
idea for a while before the new rule was put in place.
The outward guard of many INTJs can be difficult to penetrate. They are
such even-tempered, internal, and emotionally contained children. They are
rarely given to expressions of joy or rage and usually resist a parent's effort
to comfort them, even when they are unhappy. When they become upset, their
tendency is to withdraw even further into their own world. Although it can be
painful to do, parents must learn to stand by, offering their support – only
once – and then respect their child's need for privacy. If the child decides to
share his feelings, it is imperative that the parent sit silently, listening,
never offering comment or advice.
Many parents of INTJs have learned the hard
way that if they try to engage or press their child, they will be met with
stony silence.
While the rich inner lives of INTJs is a source of great joy and
satisfaction to them, they can be easily misunderstood by the world around
them, since they naturally see things from a different perspective. They are
most energized when thinking about different ways of doing things and are bored
quickly with tedium or concrete tasks. And their natural curiosity can seem like
intentional obstinacy or misbehavior.
Beth's desire to take things apart exasperated her grandmother, who
took care of her three days a week. She often persisted in touching things she
was told not to or in scaring her grandmother by wandering off by herself at
the park. Her mother quickly saw that the many accidents she had were caused by
her intense need to discover things for herself. She took risks and was taken
to the hospital several times before kindergarten for everything from breaking
her arm to eating poison berries. It was difficult to find a balance between
supervising Beth to keep her safe and giving her freedom to explore the world.
INTJs' drive to ask 'what if' is a very important piece of their
self-image. Consequently, parents need to sometimes protect their child from
the rest of the world that thinks this instinct should be reined in. Expressing
a genuine openness and receptivity to alternative ideas encourages the INTJ's
innate desire to explore the possible. Providing and respecting privacy for the
child to express her creativity is vital. It is important to remember that the
INTJ creates for herself, not for others. Not insisting or pressuring her to
share the final product or beginning that it be displayed or discussed protects
the enjoyment of the activity from being spoiled for the child and is a real
gift of love to the young INTJ.
INTJs' naked honesty and directness can result in behavior others
consider rude or unsociable. While they rarely are intentionally hurtful or
mean, they can be rather self-centered and oblivious to the impact their
actions have on others.
Jeremy could be rather bossy with other children and especially so with
his younger brother, Sam. He would agree to play with Sam only if Sam would
obey all of Jeremy's rules. The game had to go Jeremy's way or not at all. And
Jeremy was perfectly content to stop playing completely if he couldn't be in
control. Even from about age five, he had a very superior attitude and would
often say, 'I know I'm right, and I don't really care what anyone else thinks.
INTJs learn best, with age and experience, that there is indeed a
logical consequence of selfish behavior. Over time, they come in to see that if
they want to be included in games, they need to soften some of their bluntness
and curb some of their need to be in charge. They are best left to discover
things on their own, surrounded by parents who accept them as they are and love
them no matter what.
School-Aged INTJs
Ages 5 to 10
Once INTJs begin school and learn the skills to more fully express
their many creative ideas, they can really begin to demonstrate their artistic
talents and unique vision. Most INTJs love the arts, creative writing, and
dramatic play. They are natural inventors and often enjoy making scientific
experiments. They are best at open-ended projects that allow them to work on
their own and are usually much more interested in designing and starting
projects than engaging in the maintenance phase that comes later. They love
learning and absorb new information and complex ideas with amazing speed. What
comes across the clearest during their school years is their high energy and
creative approach to things that interest them and an almost startling lack of
energy and even laziness about things that do not. The disparity in the quality
of their creations and their schoolwork is dramatic. There's no doubt which
subjects are their favorites.
Ten-year-old Louis was fortunate that his father was also an INTJ. His
father understood very well how much Louis loved reading and science and yet
how much he hated doing book reports or writing out reports on his science
experiments. His dad explained that for Louis, the best part was gathering the
information and drawing conclusions about it. Louis felt exasperated that when
the teachers required him to write it all out, they, in effect, made him do the
work twice. Once he'd formulated the conclusion and had seen the connections
and implications, he was no longer interested in the project. It felt like
torture to have to repeat his thinking.
Above all, INTJs are independent people of the highest order and may
spend much of their lives in their own world, working to meet their own high
standards. It is of little or no importance to them if other people are pleased
with their accomplishments. Prone to perfectionism, they are highly competitive
with themselves and must meet or exceed their own ideals to be satisfied. All
the praise and glory in the world from others will not alter their opinion of
what they've done. They are amazingly unaffected by the outside world.
While INTJs tend to prefer playing one-on-one with a special friend or
playing alone, many will join groups like Brownies or Scouts because of the
many varied arts and crafts projects that are offered. Their love of art and
design drives them to be a part of organizations they might not ordinarily wish
to join. They can be gifted writers and storytellers and are usually voracious
and eclectic readers, loving fairy tales, fantasy stories, and science fiction
or studying a variety of different subjects in amazing depth.
Lee liked making things out of clay. He worked happily, and alone, for
hours, creating beautiful, imaginative fantasy characters. He once invented an
entire make-believe civilization with his best friend, complete with detailed
drawings of costumes, housing, and a list of the codes of behavior and customs
of this world.
Ariel began to design clothes for herself in elementary school and
wanted to design and sew a dress by herself when she was ten. At first her
mother was skeptical of her ability to do it, but Ariel insisted she could.
In
the end, Ariel was right, and she surprised her mother with her obvious talent
and advanced skill. Ariel loved the challenge of taking on projects that were
supposed to be too hard for her. She seemed to compete with herself on
everything.
Many school-aged INTJs enjoy keeping a journal or writing plays or
poetry. While some enjoy dramatic performance, most find being the center of attention
uncomfortable and embarrassing unless they are totally prepared and completely
comfortable with their level of confidence.
INTJs are fascinated with global issues and enjoy theoretical
discussions and debates. They can surprise adults with their ability to expand
on just the tiniest bit of information. They are often described as having big
ideas and are comfortable disagreeing freely and articulately with others on
issues of values, morals, or beliefs. While they are curious about the big
questions like death and the existence of God, they are typically skeptical of
pat answers and religious dogma. If something doesn't make sense to them, they
simply don't accept it. They are naturally very logical, convincing debaters.
Confident of their positions and intellectual abilities, they often have
amazing stamina to argue with their parents indefinitely.
The Joys and Challenges of Raising School-Aged INTJs
One of the most outstanding aspects of INTJs is their unique
perspective and creative perception. They see the world in such interesting and
different ways that they can be sometimes difficult to understand or relate to.
Their humor tends to be rather dry or wry, which reflects their love of things
that are new or unusual. But they are complex people and have a low threshold
for outside stimulation. Once they've reached it, they tend to freeze and block
out any more incoming stimulation. Many INTJs need a lot of time alone,
especially after a busy and invariably social day at school. Remember that the
favorite place for INTJs is inside their own minds, and they often need to
close the door on the outside world to center themselves and plug back into the
source of their inspiration and energy.
Another central characteristic of INTJs – their strong individualism –
can pose a tremendous challenge. Parents of INTJs can take pleasure from the
strength their children possess, their clear and immutable sense of themselves,
and their unfailing faith in their vision of how things should be. INTJs
possess an independent spirit that children of some other types don't develop
until well into adulthood, if ever. They are rarely persuaded to do things they
don't want to do or don't believe in. This can be an obvious challenge if you
are the parent and have something you want your INTJ child to do, and he either
does not want to do it or at least doesn't want to be directed from what he is
doing at the moment. INTJs may also be hesitant to pursue something unless they
can do it in depth. It just doesn't seem worth the effort if they have time to
give something only a cursory study or a superficial treatment.
When eight-year-old Aaron's friend Charlie came over to play, Aaron's
dad was surprised that he left almost immediately. He asked Aaron if they'd had
a disagreement, and Aaron said, 'No. I just realized we'd only have about
thirty minutes to play and it didn't seem worth it. So I told him I'd see him
later.'
The same tendency towards stubbornness and independence can actually be
a source of comfort to parents when they realize that their child is much less
likely to be talked into dangerous or inappropriate behavior. Not that INTJs
can't get into plenty of trouble on their own, but usually it's of their own
initiation rather than a result of just following the crowd.
Hunter was never disturbed by the criticism he heard from others. He
was always perfectly clear about what he wanted and determined in his effort to
go for it. Hunter's parents knew that it was difficult to get him to do
anything that wasn't part of his agenda. He resisted household chores and might
act lazy about straightening his room or putting his clean laundry away, but he
was single-minded in his drive to follow an inspiration of his own.
Tricia really hated riding to private school on the bus because there
were so many rowdy and obnoxious children on it. When she asked her parents if
she could take the city bus (which followed the same route and schedule), her
parents initially refused because they had already paid for the private bus as
part of the tuition. Tricia offered to pay for the public bus herself and
accepted a regular set of chores to earn the money.
Because INTJs make decisions based on what is logical, they have a
strong sense of what is fair and really dig in if they think that they have been
unfairly accused or misjudged. They have such a strong need to be right that
they just can't back down or admit they have made a mistake. The more they are
pushed, the more they resist. The best and sometimes only solution to this tug
of war is to give the child time alone. After a cooling-off period, INTJs can
sometimes see that they were hasty with a decision or inflexible about a
position and then reassess their earlier behavior.
Elaine was indignant when her mom suggested that an overdue library
book was somewhere in Elaine's room. Elaine protested vociferously that she was
sure she'd already returned the book and the library must have lost it. She was
unwilling to help her mother look through her bookcase or search around the
house for it. She was very angry when her mother concluded that because the
book was probably lost, they would have to figure out who was responsible for
paying for it. Elaine stomped off to her room and refused to discuss it any
further. After about an hour, Elaine went out to the garage and found the book
under the backseat of the car. She placed it silently on the kitchen table in
front of her mom. And as she walked past her mother, she whispered a quick,
'I'm sorry'.
One of the best pieces of advice for parents of INTJs is to delegate as
much of their children's lives to them as early as possible. Explain the
purpose and basic parameters of what is needed or expected, and then allow them
to determine the means to the end. For the most part, school-aged INTJs often
feel they are ready for much more responsibility and independence than their
parents give them. Having to fight their parents for freedom, privacy, and the
opportunity to make choices for themselves exacts a toll on both the child and
the parents. (And in the end, they will probably figure out an innovative way
to prevail anyway). Instead, communicate your faith in their growing competence
and honor their ability to make good choices by giving them plenty of
opportunities to do so within the safety of a loving family.
Finally, because INTJs spend a great deal of time inside their heads,
they can appear bookish or eccentric to the outside world. Thinking they are
doing the child a service, well-intentioned adults everywhere seem to need to
point out how crazy an idea is or why an innovative approach just won't work.
Parents of INTJs may need to run interference between their child and the world
at large to protect their rare children from too much negativity, resistance,
or criticism. While the growing INTJ may not appear to care or seem to
appreciate the effort, doing so can send a strong message of unconditional love
and acceptance that penetrates even an INTJ's tough skin.
Adolescent INTJs
Age 11 to 16
The characteristically independent INTJs of the elementary school years
often begin to respond to the social pressure of junior high and high school by
becoming more outgoing than they were as younger children. Many parents of
INTJs notice how much more effort their children begin to make to push
themselves out into the world of other people. It may become increasingly
important to them to engage in the common experiences of adolescence, so,
therefore, they will make the necessary effort to do it. But it creates a
certain energy drain on them, and they will do it only because they have
decided it's important, not to please others or as a result of pressure from
their parents.
Nathan had a very small group of close friends throughout elementary
school. Once he entered high school, he agreed to attend more school activities
like basketball games and dances. He still needed lots of information about
what an event might be like before participating, but his mother watched him
put himself in social situations he never would have chosen just a couple of
years before.
Abby had always been a rather slow bloomer socially and eighth grade
was a year of big transitions for her. She seemed to finally be comfortable in
her own previously awkward body. She accepted more invitations than she refused
and even initiated a sleepover and New Year's Day party.
But despite their growing interest in things social, most INTJs still
maintain strict privacy at home about their emotional lives, especially things
related to romance. They still want to be alone more than they want to be with
their families and when asked about their private lives, may resist and
withhold more than they reveal.
After one of Dean's first dates, his father asked how he felt about the
girl. Dean looked at his father incredulously and said, 'Dad, my personal life
is none of your business. I don't ask you about yours; don't ask me about
mine.'
Even with an increased social agility, INTJs usually continue to pursue
their own interests. Many enjoy individual sports like tennis, competitive
swimming, rock climbing, skiing, or other activities that require a high level
of personal skill. One INTJ teen discovered fencing and became very good;
another loved everything about snowboarding – reading about it, looking at
equipment for it, and, of course, doing it.
Like many INTJs, Laura enjoyed the whole mystique of being different.
Plans for her fourteenth birthday party might give others pause, but she and
six friends celebrated in the local cemetery. Her parents agreed to supervise,
and the activities included palm reading, seances, and hypnotizing one another.
When the local police saw the activity, they stopped by and asked the group to
leave. But even that part of the experience was a delight for Laura.
For many INTJs, academics are their first priority. Their natural love
of learning, coupled with the advanced subject content and increased
independent study of high school means they can really pursue their education
with gusto. The quality of their experience is directly linked to the amount of
freedom of choice and the level of their internal motivation. When it's high,
their achievements can be astounding. If they are bored or uninspired by their
teachers or courses, they can fail to put forward even the barest of efforts.
Fourteen-year-old Carly really hit her stride in high school. She had
begun studying French in fifth grade and took honors courses throughout high
school. She loved advanced math, physics, literature, and art. Her favorite
birthday gift on her fifteenth birthday was a high-powered microscope. She told
her parents she secretly knew she would be the best in her class if she wanted
to. Happily for all of them, she wanted to be.
INTJs usually have strong opinions about fairness and justice. They can
be surprisingly passionate in their arguments and willing to stand up for
things they believe in. Many INTJs enjoy the rigors and challenge of being a
member of a debating team because it lets them demonstrate both their natural
ability to see possibilities and their sharp analytical thinking skills.
In eleventh grade, Brian's science class involved the use of lab mice in
experiments. He believed it was cruel to perform medical or other scientific
experiments of animals. So Brian took a position, wrote letters to the
superintendent of schools, and refused to participate in that section of the
curriculum. He didn't care that he might be alone in his position or what
others might think of him.
As younger children, INTJs are usually interested in alternative
thinking. As they become adolescents, that love also extends to alternative
living choices. Many INTJs create their own unique image and embrace the whole
idea of being different. They may choose to dress very differently than their
peers (and especially differently than their parents!). INTJs may color their
hair pink or want to get their ears (or nose or other body parts) pierced or
express a desire to get a tattoo. The purpose is to revolt against the accepted
and to make a clear statement of independence and individuality. Some teen
INTJs may experiment with drugs or early sexual activity, all in an effort to
more fully define themselves and create a life path that is ultimately right
for them. They are also adamant about not allowing anyone else to control them.
While this is scary for their parents, it may be a necessary part of the INTJ's
process of becoming an individual.
Parents of INTJs (as well as all types) are well advised to provide
their teens with plenty of accurate and neutral information about sexual
education and drug addiction prevention as early as possible, so they can be
better informed and make sensible choices. But parents of INTJs especially need
to tread lightly when it comes to heart-to-heart talks. Generally, the less
said by the parent the better.
Merrick's mother explained it well: 'When Merrick starts to talk about
emotional or private issues, I have learned to stop what I'm doing, close my
mouth, and just sit still. I don't comment, I don't even nod my head, because
any input of any kind from me will shut him up real fast. I've learned the hard
way to never offer advice, but just answer questions he poses. While it was
hard for me to get used to doing it, once I did, I realized that sitting in
silence with him after he'd shared something important or painful for him was
really a special or honored place to be.'
Usually, the strength of INTJs' faith in their positions only
intensifies as they live through the teen years. It's only with time and
experience that INTJs begin to see that there may be a lot they don't know. But
it can be frustrating to live with an adolescent during these years because, as
one thirteen-year-old INTJ put it: 'I don't think I need college. I pretty much
know everything I need to know right now.' And while this a common assertion
among many children of all types during these years, INTJs say it with such
authority and directness, one senses that they actually believe it!
Remember Ariel, who made her first dress, unassisted, at age ten? By
the age of twelve, she had started high school, designed and sewed a pants suit
on her own, and had asked her parents if she could take over the responsibility
of paying for all of her own clothes, supplies, and expenses from one basic
allowance. She wanted to be in charge of herself. When it came time to select a
college, Ariel wanted to go to a top out-of-state school. Her parents explained
they couldn't afford it, so she borrowed the money on her own to be able to go.
Now, that's independence!
Discussions with teenage INTJs – when they submit themselves to
participating in one – can be fascinating, stimulating, and sometimes
surprising experiences. INTJs naturally look beyond the immediate circumstances
and have an innate ability to see far-reaching implications of actions. They
are able to understand trends and quickly grasp how one discrete event can have
an impact on many unrelated people or things. Their understanding of these
connections helps them to develop empathy and understanding not often seen in
younger INTJs.
While Shannon and her father were watching the news, they saw a story
of a fatal apartment fire in which several teenage girls were killed. Shannon
commented that the effects of the accident would be felt for years to come on
families and people who didn't even know the girls at the time of the fire. Her
father asked what she meant, and she explained that of course the event would
irrevocably alter the families and the friends of the families and would also
change the lives of the firefighters and the other residents of the building.
One action was interconnected to so many others.
While most parents of adolescents look forward with mixed feelings to
the time their children will leave their homes, parents of INTJs may have
gotten used to the idea of it sooner than parents of children of other types
because INTJs seem to be in the process of moving out their whole childhood. By
their teen years, they've been chafing at all restraints, arguing incessantly
about limitations, and jumping at the chance to travel and explore on their own
for years. Many INTJ teens express their readiness to travel to foreign
countries, rent their own apartments, or move across country to attend college.
The trick for parents is to know when they really are ready. That, of
course, is an individual issue for each parent and child to decide. But
understanding that INTJs don't want to be fussed over, pride themselves on
their competence, and strive always for autonomy can help parents be highly
selective about which issues they struggle with their teens over. Usually the
more freedom INTJs know they have and the more choices they see themselves
making, the less frustrated and rebellious they feel. Just a little bit of
space can help the adolescent INTJ relax and maybe even compromise.
The INTJ in a Crystal Ball
Lasting self-esteem for INTJs of any age comes from being valued and
respected for their unique perspective and their constantly increasing levels
of competence. INTJs need privacy to dream and make connections and the freedom
to analyze and fully understand the world around them. They need to be allowed
to question their parents and their environment and come to conclusions they
believe are logical and right, despite what others think. Encouraging their
creativity and finding positive outlets for their critical thinking skills will
help them to employ their fierce determination in constructive ways. Parents
who encourage their INTJs to work toward realizing their own vision raise INTJs
who grow up knowing they are accepted and understood for who they are.
At their best, INTJs are independent, intellectually capable, and
confident people with incredibly high personal standards. They can be ingenious
and creative problem solvers and gifted artists and writers. Some INTJs, after
what may be a lengthy period of self-discovery, settle down to a relatively conventional
lifestyle. But others will continue to eschew tradition and pursue a
challenging and nonconformist life. They aspire to be the best at whatever they
are doing and need an ever steeper learning curve throughout their lives to
achieve that good. Encouraged and supported as children for being different,
INTJs can find energy in their solitude and peace in their individuality.
Unconditional love for an INTJ begins and ends with respect.
Recapping What Works with INTJs
- Let them play alone or with one special friend
as much as they like.
- Don't push them into social situations, but
follow their lead; they'll go when they're ready.
- Offer information about what an event of
experience may be like ahead of time.
- Don't think that because they don't necessarily
display affection, it means they don't love you.
- Provide a constantly expanding source of
intellectual stimulation.
- Visit hands-on science displays and children's
museums where your child can explore and discover at his or her own pace.
- Offer increasingly sophisticated art supplies
(good-quality drawing paper, colored pencils, different types of paint) as they
get older, and secure a quiet, private place for creation.
- Encourage their curiosity even if their
questions surprise or embarrass you.
- Provide building materials and other open-ended,
creative materials; engage in creative craft projects or other common with with
your child to foster closeness.
- Respect their need to be alone after school;
don't question them about their day until they've had time to relax.
- Expect an analytical thinking style and don't
take criticism personally.
- Be fair and consistent in discipline; explain
the logical, rational reason for discipline and rules.
- Respect their desire to make their own decisions
and develop plans.
- Listen carefully and silently to their ideas and
their feeling; respect their privacy and don't question them about their
relationships.
- Encourage them to find a physical outlet for
their inner stress, especially that caused by the high pressure of early
adolescence.
[Source: Nurture by Nature: Understand Your Child's Personality Type –
And Become a Better Parent by Barbara-Barron Tieger and Paul D. Tieger
